The Trouble With Sleep Is

It eludes me.

at the mercy of technology

Last Friday we filmed the final scene of episode 5 (not the final scene to be filmed, but the final one the audience will see). I was not in a good place when filming began and I hope I didn't take it out on anybody.

The computer started acting up on Thursday. Thankfully, not the editing computer. But my desktop plays a very vital role in all of this (including, but not limited to storing my 200 GB of music). I had just enough time to transfer the pictures and the scripts off the computer before it completely crashed.

There's few things that will sour my day so instantly as the resolute feeling of powerlessness. There was nothing I could do. The computer was gone. I called Dell, told them the error code I was receiving, and the guy on the other end said, "oh yeah, that's a hard drive that's dying. And it looks like your warranty ran out back in 2010, so we won't be able to replace it for you, but you can buy one from us!"

This was the second hard drive Dell had sent me in the four years that I've been paying off my computer. I'm still paying it off and the thing's already failing. "No thanks, Dell. I'll shop around." It's so wildly frustrating -- actually, there's a word for "wildly frustrating" and it's INFURIATING. I tried to not bring that energy to the set, but I'm sure everyone could feel it.

I sent out a text to all my computer-savvy friends and Loren swung in to the rescue and recommended a good hard drive and hard drive dock, that I might save some of my files. I ordered it that night and come Monday, I was back up and running. In the grand scheme of the things, was it a big deal? No.

But I am powerless without electricity. I am at the mercy of technology. If anything refuses to work, or decides to crap out on me, what can I do? My computer has become an extension of me. Everything I'm doing and everything I'm trying to relies completely on it. As grateful as I am for its existence, I kind of resent it.

Breaking Bad & 50/50

Just when I was starting to feel good about myself as writer, I watched Breaking Bad's fourth season finale.

Big mistake.

It is a perfect episode. It is absolutely flawless. There's nothing anybody could do to make it a better hour of programming. The characters, the script, the acting, the special effects, the story, the plot, the twists, the conclusion and the set-up for next season . . .

It humbled me. I know that artists are all different -- because we, as people, are all different. Present a group a problem and each person in that group will try to solve it in a different way. Give a group of writers a story idea, each writer is going to come up with their own way to tell that story. Sure, some structures will be the same, some content might be similar, there may even be identical dialog. But the pacing will be different. The tone will be different. The perspective, the reason, the conclusion, the moral, will all be different.

That is the only solace one can have in the shadow of an episode like "Face Off." It humbled me -- humbled me and challenged me.

I can be that good.

I know it.

UPDATE:

I followed this episode up with a trip to the local cinema, where I took in the equally superb 50/50. Tonight just a cavalcade of good writing and excellent entertainment.

The gauntlet has been thrown down.

Challenge accepted.

Freudian Slip?

Might have just hit a new low. Discovered a "gift" from the dog on the floor and used a page from one of my recent scripts to pick it up.

It felt like something from a Colin Firth movie or Nick Hornby novel.

How The Church Failed Me

I was recently asked "How did the church fail you?"

It was in response to someone discovering a lifestyle decision I had made. This decision, which I won't get into here (as I don't want to distract from the conversation that needs to be happening), was something that not only went against the things they believed, but went against the Seventh-Day Adventist Church, a denomination that not only was I brought up in, but one I still belong to.

My response to this person was, "it hasn't." I was responding to the notion that the church had somehow failed to communicate what it thought on the subject. I was well aware of what the church's official stance was. I knew the dangers -- as exaggerated as they may be -- that the church preached.

"Then why are you doing this?"

That's when I realized how the church failed me. That's when I realized how the church is continuing to fail its children and its older members. That's when I realized what we need to fix if we are going to stay relevant in the twenty-first century.

Before I continue, let me absolutely clear: This is not an attack on the Seventh-Day Adventist Church or any other organized religion. I still count myself as a Seventh-Day Adventist and I whole-heartedly approve the concept of organized religion. This is the recognition of a weakness. This is a confession. To the offended, this is a request for forgiveness. To those of us in the church, it is a challenge to do better in the future.

In the war between Heaven and Hell, the church is a front line triage unit. The hurt, the crippled, the maimed and the dying hobble in, seeking solace and sanctuary. We do our best to patch them up, to the heal wounds, and prepare them for tomorrow's attack. Historically, that's what we've done. But as time marches on, as the war continues to rage, we're getting tired. Our friends are dying. Our loved ones are giving up. The hope that the war would be over by Christmas is fading. And as all of these things take their toll, our work suffers. We get sloppy. It's not that we don't care, it's that we've lost focus. What ends up happening is a man comes in with a gaping wound in his chest, we pop a couple Ibuprofen in his mouth, call it a day, and then wonder why he doesn't come back when his wound begins to fester.

We seem to believe that since there are two sides to this war that every decision and every moral dilemma we face is a simple one: It's either black or white. Good or bad. Heaven or Hell. Everything is to be praised or condemned. Every action is to be endorsed or shunned. Nothing is neither. When we do this, we create for ourselves battlefields where there need not be any.

Let's talk about sex.

Having sex will get you kicked out of private school. The appearance or the unprovable theory that you had sex will get you fired from a Christian summer camp. As a youth pastor, speaking approvingly of sex will get you reprimanded and possibly removed from your position. As a principal of a boarding school, if you take your teenage child to a movie that has sex in it, your ability to lead will be called into question. These are all experiences I have witnessed firsthand.

The truth about sex, as I have come to learn, is that it is a multifaceted thing that doesn't ruin or save a relationship. It multiplies that which you already have. If a couple that was already on shaky ground introduces sex to the relationship, fighting increases, resentment rises, unhappiness ensues and a break-up is just around the corner. When a couple that is in love and has a caring and balanced relationship, sex is a celebration of love, lust, and life.

The reason for this is sex is a thing of raw intimacy. No matter how carnally or how casually one might treat it, there's a great amount of naked trust in the act and that trust must be upheld in all other aspects of the relationship.

I've often wondered why someone might think their failing relationship could be saved by sex. It's not medicine for what ails you. It's desert. Desert after a great meal is perfect. Desert after eating too much just makes you feel sick.

That's what I would tell someone about sex. But those are grey, weighty concepts that can be hard to explain. It's just easier to say, "you can get pregnant, you can get STD's, and it'll change the relationship and he'll break up with you." This course of action doesn't give us what we need to know about sex. It doesn't arm us with knowledge that there are ways to prevent STD's and pregnancy. It doesn't even prepare us for sex after marriage, the thing the church wants the most. All it does is lamely try to scare and/or guilt kids out of having sex. And when that tactic fails, and a person has sex, and they don't get pregnant or get an STD . . . a great undermining of church authority takes place.

It's not the "sexual deviant" that undermines the church, it's the church itself. As children, we are told that life is black and white. But when we step out into the world, we discover it is actually every shade of grey one could imagine -- ranging from the whitest white to the blackest black. Upon that discovery, the church is made a liar. It lies with good intention, but it lies nonetheless.

This is how the church has failed me. It has concerned itself with inward and trivial matters, while ignoring the bigger issues that surround it. When it does address those bigger issues, it addresses it in demeaning and trivial ways. It's almost as if the church sees its entire congregation as children, not adults.

We are taught abstinence, not responsibility. We are taught avoidance, not temperance.

It's a matter of great frustration for me. We get so caught up in "being in the world but not of the world," that we don't actually prepare anyone for the world. It is something I've vowed to not pass on to the next generation.

I live in this world. I don't count it as my home. I'm a pilgrim passing through. The only trouble with that is there's nothing I can do to make that passing any faster. I can't reach my destination until my Heavenly Father says so. So in the meantime, I'm setting up camp here. This is my temporary home and as such, I'm going to try to make it as warm, as comfortable, as welcoming and as loving as I can. I'm going to fight for Truth and Justice. I'm going to battle the darkness by shedding as much light as I can. I'm going to be responsible and conduct myself in a way that brings glory to my Heavenly Father.

Even if that means I fail my church.

Writer's Blank

Perhaps the scariest place for me to be is the time and/or place where my mind is completely blank. My mind is usually so cluttered with thoughts and ideas (all pertaining to various story ideas I could pursue) that I sometimes have difficulty focusing on the real world.

I know I must come off as disconnected or aloof, but my brain is so damn active that certain sensory perceptors have to shut off to compensate -- that's the conclusion I've come to anyway. Usually I don't mind. It brings a certain level of excitement and challenge to my life. More than that, though, really, it brings definition. I am a writer. That definition, that label, makes my existence make sense.

Then there are weeks like this one -- weeks where literally nothing is on my mind. It's a blank slate. At any one time, I am thinking about absolutely nothing. I soak up my surroundings. I record the goings-on around me and . . . nothing. On a normal week I might process it, store little bits here and there for future use. But this week, everything that happens, just happens. There's no rhyme or reason or anything. I can't work on anything because nothing interests me. On days like this, I can't even enjoy other entertainment. It just slides off me because it has nothing to cling onto.

I have days like this sometimes. Days where I can't claim to be a writer. And when I can't claim to be a writer, a deep, dark terrifying inkblot surges through my soul. If I'm not a writer, what am I?

That Which We Need (The Woes)

I've decided to let everyone in on our financial woes. They're not woes in the traditional sense, but woes in the sense that they are what is standing in the way of us pursuing further seasons of Remnants as well as any future film projects.

Here is the reasonablly short list of things we need (and are currently raising money to purchase). I've included links so you can check the equipment for yourself.

1 Canon Digital Rebel T2i - 899.95

2 spare camera batteries - 95.98

4 camera memory cards - 163.80

1 Portable Audio Recorder - 299

1 Shotgun Mic Kit - 599.95

Which, for those of you interested in the math, brings us to $2,058.68

We have raised $603.28

We are 29% there.

July 12 UPDATE!!

A very fine couple (who shall remain nameless until I have their permission to tell the world what they just did) read my blog and said they'd be happy to match what I've already raised!

Which means we have now raised $1,203.28

We are 58% there!

Which means right now, we could buy the camera, the spare batteries and a couple of memory cards.

God is so good.

July 13th UPDATE!!

Took in 92 of my comic books/grapic novels/trade paper backs and made $275.23.

Which means we now have $1478.51
Which means we're 72% there!

If you have that other 28%, or a portion of that 28% and would like to help, do let me know!